falling with style

into the new year

I had set a goal for myself towards the end of the year that I would make 30 posts within the year. I set this as my goal as opposed to using a subscriber count because I want to first and foremost BECOME a writer worthy of being read, before I focus on the eyes on me. Having more engagement is nice - but if the quality of work is subpar, or inconsistent, then I would feel more than a little ashamed in asking for people to look at me fumble and disappear intermittently.

This goal was set early November. At which point I had 16 posts. 8 weeks left in the year. In theory, not that difficult of a task. Two posts a week and I should be set.

Well I failed. Or rather, I didn’t achieve the goal that I had set. I fell short by 5 posts. I fell into a slump of wallowing in my own emotions, personal issues, and being hard on myself for not producing “perfect” pieces. Your own mind can be your beings worst ally, unfortunately. So I wasn’t writing from heart. I was trying to curate my voice before I even had a chance to speak.

Even though I had a solid goal, which was very attainable, I didn’t have the systems in place to make it happen. Why did I sound so confident about meeting a deadline with a work-in-progress system? Could I have possibly still made my goal if I just toughed it out and put out work regardless of how I felt about it? Sure, I could have. But as much as my perfectionism was holding me back, I still wanted to be intentional about whatever I put out. The answer was somewhere in the middle, and I have a semblance of an answer.

First and foremost, having goals you want to attain is great - what’s most important is becoming a person who accomplishes those goals with ease. So this doesn’t mean immediately jumping to completion, but embracing the slowness of figuring things out. In this age of information, as much as knowledge is power, it doesn’t mean much if your body doesn’t have the lived experience to supplement it. Your body doesn’t know your mind decided to intermittent fast, and will think that you are starving. Your hands haven’t suddenly learned all the intricacies of shading and pressure control just because you watched a long-form video about charcoal art. And my habits don’t suddenly shift to accommodate writing two posts a week, especially not when I’ve been averaging 1.5 posts a month.

It was a tall order - and again, I could certainly have made it. But my goal wasn’t just to accomplish a one time thing, but to sustain a lifestyle. And having this goal put me in the mindset to build the habits of a person who posted more consistently. I learned that there were self-imposed rules that were holding me back. Rules about how things “should” look like that had absolutely nothing to do with my development.

The most silly self-imposed rule was that I needed to most of my work at my laptop. Seeing as how I’ve read most of you type your articles on your phone, I realize now that this was SILLY. A completely obtuse and unfounded take. I spend the vast majority of my day with access to my phone and various writing apps, and less than a quarter of my day around my laptop. Let alone AWAKE. I get home from work late in the evening, and hardly ever in the writing mood. This literally set me up for failure.

I write this passionately on my phone during my found time at work, and I have many others I’m writing in rotation. All at the comfort of my fingertips, thank you very much.

Second self-imposed rule is that - I needed to make sure everyone could understand every line I wrote. Or if not in one line, two. As an anxious individual, I have a habit of overexplaining in speech and it bleeds into my written words. The reality is - no matter how many words I slap on a page, those who didn’t want to understand me never will. Words, phrases, sentences - they are subjective currency to be exchanged for fragments of souls and realities hidden behind stifled breath. These essays are meant to be an exhale, and yet I held my breath until I reached an undefined quality that I didn’t even truly want. 0/10, will do my best to not do it again.

Third is something I am still in the process of unlearning, and it is this ATTEMPT at being poetic or profound. I know deep down that poetry isn’t something to be forced, but curated. Crafted. But most importantly, it’s created through the living life. It’s a language only breathed when ease meets art, and me cramming words together to replicate it simply won’t do. So I choose to let go, and let it be. Focusing on being, and whoever resonates with my message will find it. Those who couldn’t be bothered, may they pass by and find their people elsewhere. Literally, to each their own.

I think in this season of new beginnings people forget that this doesn’t mean a complete cut off. Just because the year changes doesn’t mean the habits you spent 365 days building suddenly dismantle themselves. Quite the opposite, you’re going to have to build new habits brick by brick - and it may take 365 days for you to fully appreciate the total product. Change takes time. The world has sold you the lie of instant gratification and easy access, but that is simply not how our body and minds were built. Be kind to yourself in the process of becoming, and I promise the changes you’ll make will be long lasting. That doesn’t mean things will be easy, but it ensures they will be sustainable.

So, I failed. But not really. I stepped into a new mode of being. A new pattern wherein I can (and will) post two pieces a week. Maybe I’ll post more than that if I have the content planned, but no pressure (I say to myself). I’ve always been partial to Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that’s when they’ll be.

I learned, I adapted myself and I grew. I didn’t beat myself up, although I was disappointed. What I wasn’t able to do yesterday, builds the foundation of the skills I will do with ease tomorrow.

This all goes for you too, friend. With all the craze and hype about “starting the year off right”, I want you to continue it great too. I want you to accept your shortcomings, and brace yourself for your rise. I’ll be there right alongside you, building a better me for the new day.

Looking forward to meeting you there, friend ❤️